5 Things "Real" New Yorkers Tell You Not To Do, Which You Actually Should Do

Ok, first things first - I don't know what a real New Yorker is, hence the Dr Evil style "Quotation Marks". Some people claim the only real New Yorkers are those who were born here - which is a pretty small pool. Some claim a time limit, while others declare certain actions deem your "New Yorkness". For my part - my favorite "Are you a New Yorker Test" is the Anthony Bourdain approach: "You know what’s great about New York? The threshold for citizenship as a New Yorker is actually pretty short. Like, if you come to New York and you still like it two years after you arrive here, and you still think it’s great and you’re having a good time, and you haven’t totally been ground down and go limping back to wherever the fuck you came from…then you’re in!" By that measure - I have 6 months to go, and here's hoping I don't limp back to wherever the fuck I came from.

But for those who measure ones New Yorkness by actions - there are certain behaviors which are so un-New York and uncouth that only a recent transplant or tourist would be so stupid to make such a faux pas. To at least 5 of those - I say NOPE.

1. Avoid the train car with no air conditioning

If you've ever used the subway in NYC you'll know the feeling. The train rolls on in and all of the carriages are packed to the rafters - but the train that stops right at your feet is magically empty. And what's that? A SEAT? IN PEAK HOUR? Excuse me while I explode with excitement. Yet when you step inside your joy turns to ash in your mouth as you realize you've entered the car of no air conditioning. You try to run, you try to scream - you try to sprint back out to the platform and to the sweet cool air of the next car - but the doors close violently in front of you and you realize you're stuck in a sweaty sauna hell.

Now, a "real" New Yorker will say that you should have known that car was no good from the get-go and that you should have avoided it. I disagree. Firstly - you get a coveted seat. There's nothing better than getting a seat on the way home after an exhausting day of sitting down ALL DAY at your shitty office job. It's a lot harder to zone out and fantasize about an alternate reality where you actually have a job you enjoy and where your work is valued and your putting your skills to use and not getting screamed at all day by your jerk boss, if you're standing up in the train.

Secondly - if you want a fancy pants sauna at your gym you have to pay for that privilege by shelling out $200+ to be a bad bitch at Equinox (side note: Kanyne wants to know if you're a freak or not - so maybe get in touch with him?). But a subway sauna will only cost you a swipe of your unlimited pass. Winning.

2. Don't wear Flip Flops First of all, fuck you. These are the shoes of my people. I was raised in these shoes. Flip Flops (or thongs as we call them down under) are delightfully comfortable and freeing. If it's 35 degree's (Celsius, America, Celsius) out, I am not confining my feet to the chains of enclosed footwear to sweat all day. Now...I think the argument against flip flops in NYC stems from the fact that the sidewalks here are filthy and as a result, your feet will become covered in a black film of dirt and most likely animal urine/feces. Is this true? Most of the time - yes. But do I eat using my feet? No. Do I eat from the floor in which my disgusting bare feet may touch when I get home from a blissful day flip flopping around Manhattan? No. Do I clean my floors regularly? Some times.

So what's the big deal? Fancy non rubber sandals seem a completely appropriate choice of footwear - yet surely the same filthy feet argument applies. So what's different? Down with the rubber plugger haters, I'm wearing flip flops in NYC until at least October, when I'll be swapping out for Ugg Boots (ironically - NOT an appropriate choice of outdoor footwear in Australia, but one I have adopted anyway).

3. Don't eat shitty Pizza

Enormous, floppy, cheesy, triangles of artery clogging warmth and joy. New York knows how to do pizza right. And it's really easy to find a good slice - you almost have to go out of your way to find a bad slice. Which is why real New Yorkers say there is no excuse to eat bad pizza. And what is the epitomy of bad pizza in a New Yorkers opinion? Chain Pizza. Papa Johns, Domino's, Pizza Hut. Mention any of those chains to a New Yorker and watch their face scrunch up into a ball of horror and disgust. And while I agree that those chains do not even come close to the quality and amazing-ness of proper NY style pizza - there IS a place for them in my heart (and stomach). Maybe it's a product of my Australian upbringing - where the pizza is doughy, the sauce herby and someone always orders a fucking Hawaiian style pizza in group pizza eating situations. We even go so far as to shove hotdogs, meat pies and cheeseburgers into the crusts of our pizzas. It's a God damn mess down there. But alas, my palette sometimes enjoys the breadiness, simplicity and underwhelming taste that only an American pizza chain can provide. Plus - Pizza Hut in America spray their crust with like, butter or something and it's completely badass and delicious.

4. Don't upstream people

Upstreaming: To position yourself further up the block than somebody else who was clearly trying to hail a cab before you, resulting in you getting the first available cab and the person you snaked out of a cab shaking their fist violently at you and calling you an asshole as you drive by. Now - I generally don't condone upstreaming - because it is pretty rude. BUT there is this weird gray which I will call Upstreaming by Default. Say I am heading uptown, and walk out of my office building, which is on the corner of 36th Street. Someone is already trying to hail a cab from out the front of their office on the same block, but on the corner of 37th Street. We're really only 15 meters apart and on the same block, but by default - the second I raise my hand out to hail a cab, I'm technically upstreaming the other person. And so if I allow that default upstreaming is OK - where do I draw the line? Maybe anyone I would accuse of upstreaming is merely guilty of working or living slightly north or south of my position where I have decided to hail a cab.

5. Don't get on the train until everyone else has exited

Just kidding - this one you should ALWAYS abide by. What are we? Savages? Calm down and just wait 5 seconds for everybody gets off, OK? Courtesy Counts.

#NewYorkCity #NYC #iloveny #subway #pizza #etiquette