GOT Recap: Do$h Khaleen featuring the Flaming Khal's

So in last weeks preview we saw that Sansa was finally going to make it to Castle Black this week. But with Jon's epic mic drop moment after hanging that little shit Ollie, I have been emotionally preparing myself all week for the disappointment of having a Stark family reunion thwarted yet again. But as it turns out, Jon Snow still had to, you know...actually make travel plans. So his epic mic drop moment, followed by having to stick around to pack was actually the equivalent of when you say your goodbyes to a work colleague, only to find they're walking in the same direction as you to get home. Ugh. Awkward.

Anyway - Sansa rides on up to the wall, and her and Jon spot each other from across the yard and it's practically slow motion as they make their way to each other and embrace. I was prepared for overwhelming disappointment, like always with GOT - not pure joy at finally getting two Starks on screen at the same time again. And now I'm pretty much a basket case, trying to hold it all together, because GOT doesn't arm you with the resilience to deal with happy heartfelt moments. And even in this moment of pure happiness, my eyes are darting around on the defense, looking for whoever it is that's going to come in and violently decapitate Sansa mid hug. If it was going to be anyone, it'd be Zombie Ollie, that little shit. GOT is the reason we all have trust issues, by the way.

Sansa and Jon take a moment to themselves to enjoy some soup while I marvel over how Sansa could possibly have such perfect eyebrows given she's been riding and camping in the freezing wilderness for like...weeks or something. Sansa tries to talk Jon into taking back their home, Winterfell, while Jon remains all broody and tired of war. Oh great - now we're in the Vale with Aunt Lyssa's developmentally challenged orphan and sleazy "Uncle Littlefinger". I wondered what dirty little hole Petyr Baelish would crawl on out of and when. In any event, Littlefinger talks his little weirdo 'nephew' into helping Sansa against the Boltons...and now I am completely left struggling to see what Littlefinger is scheming towards. Given Sansa's idiot cousin/lord of the Vale has no children, I wonder who the Vale would pass to if he was killed in Battle against the Boltons. Would it pass to Littlefinger...as the Widow of Lyssa Arryn? Hmmm. In Mereen, Tyrion is making deals with the Slavers, and being a genuinely fine politician, despite the significant amount of shade being thrown his way by Wormtail and the girl who doesn't own any outfits that cover her stomach. Anywho - Tyrion strikes a deal with the Slavers that gives them 7 years to abolish slavery, so long as they cut funding for the Son's of the Harpy immediately.

Back to the Hot Sellsword and Ser Friend Zone who are climbing a mountain, while the Hot Sellsword describes sex with Danerys as "Riding the Dragon" and that Jorah's heart would give out if he ever managed to get out of the Friend Zone. After some idle death threats, Jorah comes back with possibly the worst comeback of all time "You weren't disciplined much as a child, were you?" Oh, good burn Jorah, good burn. So now they're in Vaes Dothrak and there are dirty people, drums playing loudly and people having sex in public. So pretty much what I think Burning Man would be like. Jorah and the Hot Sellsword get into a fight with two Dothraki warriors, and Jorah almost gets strangled but is saved by the Hot Sellswords smuggled dagger.

Dani is with the Dosh Khaleen - which sounds like a pretty good name for a rap group. Whilst 'making water' outside, her rescuers pounce on her and after she exclaims that they will never get out alive, Ser Rock Arm says "We have to at least try" - like...really Jorah? You trekked all the way here and that's the best plan you could come up with? Just *try* to run away from the massive herd of Dothraki warriors? Ugh.

Back in Kings Landing, the High Sparrow is still being a smug piece of shit and talking too much to Queen Margery. Everybody watching at home takes this moment to go 'make water' because obviously we're not going to miss anything interesting or plot enhancing. Snore. Also - Margery gets to see her brother Loras, who is pretty much Theon right now ...a broken man. Since the High Sparrow is so boring...here is a meme which makes him a little less insufferable...

In the Red Keep, Maester Pycelle is counselling the boy King and when Cersei tells him to essentially piss off, so he takes 5 minutes to shuffle off. Tomen confides to Cersei that the High Sparrow is planning to make Margery do the nudie run through Kings Landing. Not if Grandma Tyrell has anything to do with it! Time to call in the troops.

Theon is back in the Iron Islands, much to the joy of that girl he groped that one time, I mean...his sister. But Reek just wants to help his sister rule, so they seem to be OK. Satan Bolton is off flaying an apple in Winterfell. Tonks tries to seduce him with her wildling/wizarding ways, while reaching for the apple knife...but she doesn't reach quickly enough and Satan gets a knife to her jugular and she bleeds out over the floor. On a scale of Joffrey to Ned Stark, I'm at about a Renley Baratheon in terms of how I feel about this death. Aww, but Meh. Back in Castle Black, the Ginger wildling is making everybody at the table super uncomfortable by sexily biting into a hunk of meat while undressing Brienne of Tarth's bulky armour with his eyes (#Bringer). Satan Bolton crashes dinner with a love letter / very eloquently worded threat to Jon Snow, his runaway bride and the Wildlings. Jon Snow runs the numbers in his head - 5,000 Bolton man vs 2,000 wildlings. But as Sansa puts it - he's the son of the last true warden of the north. And the Northern folk will fight for them (well..not the Umbers or the Kastarks). I hope this means Jon is sold on taking back Winterfell, even if it means he has to put his vacay to Valantis on hold.

In Vaes Dothrak, the Khal's are deciding what to do with Dani and being generally disgusting fuck boys while they talk about her. Dani is having none of it though, tells them all that they're going to die, and then legit torches the entire place, with the Khals (and herself) trapped inside. Naturally, everybody comes rushing to the scene of the homicide and witness Dani emerge naked and unburnt from the flames. Even the hot sellsword is speechless as both he, Jorah and the entire united Khalasar bow before (I'm guessing?) their new queen. YAS. Finally Dani is kind of back on top. She needs to take her her Dothraki army, her dragons and her unsullied straight to Kings Landing and take that throne! Definitely the best episode this season - only thing missing was Bran (I never thought I would say that!). Though I'm mostly interested in him because I need to know what's in that damn tower, it looks like next week he meets the White Walkers - which is equally exciting.

#GOT #GameOfThrones #Bringer