GOT Recap: The one where we get to see Jon Snow's ass

Tonight, we picked off where we were left hanging last week - Castle Black - and Jon Snow's glorious return to life. We get a glimpse of Jon Snow's heavenly derriere, so 5 seconds in to Episode 3, and I'm already calling it - GREAT episode. Ser Davos's and the red witch's face mimics all the ladies at home...fiercely focused on naked Snow. Albeit, Ser Davos is staring in disbelief, while the rest of us (including Melisandre) are staring in lust.

Jon Snow seems a bit shocked to not be dead - and a little sad that Ollie thrust a knife into his heart when he was just trying to do the right thing. If I were Jon, I think PISSED OFF would be my overwhelming emotion, followed by EXCITEMENT over getting the chance to live again and do all those things he had been putting off in life. You know...traveling Westeros...seeing the stairs of the Great Sept, getting a selfie with that big Warrior statue in Bravos, sandboarding the desert dunes of Dorne and riding horses in the Dothraki sea. Davos sums the whole situation up very eloquently by saying "You were dead, now you're not - and that's completely fucking mad". Yes, yes it is Potato Knight. Jon finally emerges and the Ginger Wildling lets him know that even though the brothers and wildlings think he is some kind of God, he knows better, having caught a glimpse of his 'pecker'. Now Melisandre's wide eyed expression makes more sense...it was disappointment ladies, what a cruel turn of events.

We now turn to Sam Tarly and Gilly, who are off on rickety ship somewhere, Sam proving once again what a whimp he is, by cradling a bucket and vomitting. Gilly once again shows us how dumb she is by saying that she though the sea was named the sea because it was so big that it was all your eyes could SEE. Education north of the wall in incestuous cults is very clearly lacking. Sam lets Gilly know that she can't stay with him at the Citadel, so she'll be staying with his family...which, you know...should go well since his father completely disowned him. "Hey Dad - meet my new wildling girlfriend who has a baby to her father...she's going to stay with you now...ok, ttyl!"

Now we're in another Bran flashback, this time we're seeing a 20 (ish?) year old Ned Stark, after Robert's win at the trident, and the death of Rhaegar Targaryen. Naturally, Neil Patrick Harris...I mean...young Ned Stark is curious as to why the prince's guard is guarding some cool stone tower in the middle of nowhere instead of protecting their Prince. I don't know Ned - probably because it's a really awesome stone tower. Then they all start sword fighting and there's lots of stabbing and blood and death, until it's just the super skilled prince guard 1:1 with young Ned. Obviously - Ned is triumphant, but only because Meera's (that girl who's with present day Bran in the tree) dad stabbed Sword Dude in the back. Bran seems super disgusted by this act of unsportsmanly conduct, but Ned is all like "YOLO" and decapitates Sword Dude. We then hear a womans scream from the tower, and Ned runs up the stairs to the sounds. Bran wants to follow his father into the tower, but the stupid tree man tells him they have to go. Bran channels his inner Brad Pitt and is all like "What's in the BOXXXXX???" I mean "What's in the Tooooweerrr???!??!" and screams after his father, to which young flashback Ned turns back, seemingly having heard his future son. The stupid man that lives in a tree forces Bran back to the present day...and we all pretty much hate that guy for making us have to wait another week to potentially have a very popular fan theory proved true.

Back in Vaes Dothrak the old Dothraki widows are being a bit bitchy and telling Dani that she might be killed for not returning immediately to live out her days with the sad little widows of Khals straightaway - instead, she went on to birth a few dragons, free a few cities from slavery and bone that really hot sellsword. Her story line is kind of irritating right now, because her being stuck in Vaes Dothrak really just feels like stalling and puts her out of commission to do cool stuff until the hot sellsword and Ser Friend Zone Jorah come to her rescue. Boring.

In Mereen, Varys has found some woman that is working with the Sons of the Harpy, and threatens/bribes her into telling him what she knows of the Son's. Meanwhile, Tyrion is living out all of our own worst fears - being awkwardly stuck at the dinner table with that weird friend who is terrible at making conversation, who you have nothing in common with, and worst of all - who doesn't drink. Nothing against wormtail and his girlfriend - but I always say...you can't trust someone who doesn't drink. What are you hiding?? Luckily, Varys enters to cut the tension - announcing that Son's of the Harpy are I guess a local terrorist organisation being funded by the masters of the other cities Dani liberated. Oy Vay...

In Kings Landing, Lord Varys's little birds are being recruited by that creeper dude who's name I don't know but who resurrected Ser Gregor Frankenstein. Cersei gives instructions that she wants to know from the little birds, across all the land, who is making fun of her nudie run through the city. Cersei, her monster and Jamie decide to crash the small council - where Grandma Tyrell is present. Fuck yeah - I love grandma Tyrell. She practically bitch slaps Cersei by reminding her that Margery is in fact the queen, not her. Such sass. Old people are always generally sassier than the rest of us because they're just so old they've stop giving any fucks. Being old has its perks.

Arya is back in training, and by training - I mean, just getting slapped around by a bunch of sticks and talking in riddles and shit. She is finally is able to fight back with her stick, and by the tone of the music and Fabio's smiling expression we're pretty sure her training is complete. As a reward for being so great with a stick and with her riddles, Arya gets her eyes back! Thank God for that.

Back in Winterfell Lord Umber, some guy who lives in the far North, is pissed off at Jon Snow for letting Wildlings through the wall. So Ramsay 'Satan' Bolton and him decide it would be wise to join forces against the Lord Commander. To solidify their new alliance, Umber has a gift for Satan - the Stark child we had all forgotten about - Rikon, and the severed head of his unfortunately named direwolf, Shaggy Dog. Seriously Rickon, I know you were like 4 when you named that dog - but Shaggy Dog? You moron.

Back at Castle Black, we see that our favourite mutinous brothers are all tied up, ready to be hung for stabbing their Lord Commander. Jon, being ever the honourable man, gives them all a chance to say some last words. The first guy, who I feel like I have literally never seen before in my life, says "It's not right... you shouldn't be alive"...that's a fair point you've got there, but that's probably not the best thing to say if you're hoping for some leniency on the noose hanging around your neck. It's kind of the equivalent of saying "well, I did it because I didn't think I'd get caught!" Jon responds by telling him "Killing me wasn't right either"...touché. Ser Ass Thorne essentially says what amounts to 'I'd do it all again', while the most hated little kid in all of Westeros (since King Joffrey) says nothing, but does provide a spectacular stink face in Jons direction, while Jon looks sadly back at his one time protege/murderer. Jon draws his sword, and hesitates for a few moments - and for a second we think maybe Ollie's bitch face will have Jon show mercy - but thankfully, he cuts the rope - and the 4 brothers twitch a while and then hang lifeless and blue faced in the wind. At home, we're all once again cheering at the death of a 14 year old boy - and I don't even care. I wish the red witch would resuscitate Ollie too, so we could see him hang a second time. Jon removes his black fur and hands the Lord Commander reigns to his friend, and strolls out of Castle Black, and with an epic mic drop, says "My watch has ended".