GOT Recap: Balon Killjoy, a new Bolton & some fresh Snow

Soooo...I completely forgot my commitment to myself to recap every Game of Thrones episode for this year...you know, to capture the memories. So instead of back tracking - here is my recap for last week: Jon Snow DID NOT get revived and for the love of the lord of light please DO NOT take that mother effing necklace off ever again Melisandre.

...And that's about it. Anywho - on to the next one. Previously on gives us a hint that Bran is about to rejoin the party and that Balon Greyjoy is probably going to try and unsuccessfully rebel again. Give it up Balon NoJoy, you grumpy old fool of the Iron Islands. *...Weiner, Weiner, Weiner, Weiner...* Oooh, we're back in Winterfell with Bran, and little Ned is sword fighting when in gallops Aunty Lianna, who we literally know nothing about, except that she was betrothed to Robert, before being kidnapped by a Tagarrayen and killed. And Hodor is in the flashback too...or should we say Willis? Funny his name would be Willis when he doesn't speak nowadays..."Whatchu talking about Willis?" , oh nothing. Carry on Hodor.

Bran is being pretty selfish as he talks to that sulky girl with the dead brother who's name I can never remember. Nice pose on the snow though, Bran.

Back at the wall, Davos is still locked in a room with dead snow, a few brothers and the dire wolf while Ser Pain in The Ass Thorne beats down the door. Obviously, we know it can't end here for our favourite stubby fingered potato pirate Davos, and the wildlings show up to help. Ser Ass Thorne gets thrown in the cells, along with Ollie, that little bastard we all hate. I kind of would have been super satisfied if he was killed in that moment. Cut back to Kings Landing where some commoner is talking trash about Cersei. I kind of feel like I'd like to have a drink with this guy. Alas, my dream of a drink with him is thwarted by Cersei's mountainous body guard monster thing - who smashes old mates head against a wall.

Myrcella is still dead, and I still really hate those creepy eye stones they put on dead peoples eyes in Westeros. Poor Tommen is still a bit of a whimp and sounds a bit like a child asking to stay up past their bed time when he "demands" to see his wife to the High Sparrow. Jaime Lannister tells Tommen to runaway and play with his toys so he can presumably kill this Cersei created High Sparrow monster who, is a bit of a smug piece of shit if I am being completely honest. Unfortunately the faith militant has arrived, and Kingslayer still only has one hand so thinks better of it...for now. In Meereen, Tyrion is doing what he does best - drinking, knowing things and just being generally sassy. Meereen is kind of in shambles, and the rest of Slavers Bay which Dani liberated is back to being, well...slavers bay. Somehow, the talk turns to the dragons...and Tyrion decides to go down to the dungeons and like...feed them or something? I don't really know what's happening here, and the whole scene is a bit annoying because it's now 9.30pm and nothing that interesting has really happened yet. Also, while Tyrion speaks solemnly about how he loves dragons, while tenderly unchaining the dragons - all I can really think of, is Bobby Moynahan in a lycra bodysuit bouncing around carrying a stick with a dragons head on it.

Back in Bravos, Ayra is still blind and that bitch is still trying to beat her up. Fabio rocks up and Ayra seems to be back in the fold of the faceless men. Snooze. Now we're in modern day Winterfell - a stark (ha!) contrast to the old happy Winterfell in Bran's flash back. Roose Bolton is talking strategy with the devil, ahem, I mean...Ramsay and some guy who I don't know, but who's Dad had his head chopped off by King Rob. Sooo...it kind of makes sense that he'd be aligning with these psychopaths. By the way, good lord I miss Rob Stark. So hot. The Bolton's maester creeps in just as they finish talking about killing the Lord Commander, Jon Snow (pigeons obviously don't fly too fast) and announces Roose Bolton is the proud new Daddy to a baby BOY. Things get a bit tense between Ramsay and Roose, but they hug it out...and then, of course...Bastard Bolton stabs his Dad, up close and personal. Send my regards, to the Stark Family! Meanwhile, the Maester kind of stands there equal parts panicked and awkward, like he rocked up to school in his uniform on mufti day. Lady Walder and Ramsay's newborn baby bro meet with Ramsay in the yard and I'm just sitting on the couch yelling "Biiiitch - do NOT give him that baby!" followed by "Biiiitch....do not follow him!" and finally "Biiiitch....he locked you in a dog pen and is slowly unlocking all the dog doors...GTFO of there now!" Unfortunately Lady Walder didn't GTFO - and now she and baby Bolton are hound food.

Back in the snowy woods, Sansa has forgiven Reek/Theon for being a mutinous scumbag, and is very sad that Theon has become semi-man again and will be returning home to the Iron Islands. Snooze. I hate when characters are just camping in the woods all the time. Back in the Iron Islands, Balon Killjoy is being well, a killjoy. Cut to him crossing a swaying rickety hanging wooden bridge in the middle of a storm...which seems horribly irresponsible. Some dude I don't know is blocking his way - turns out it's his bro - who I guess has had enough of doing whatever it was he was off doing...so pretty much, he wants to rule now, so he throws Balon off the bridge. The next day they're sending his lifeless body back out to the ocean...and I kind of just feel like...wouldn't that dumb floating contraption with his body on it just float back to shore? Awkward. Finally - we're back at the NightsWatch. Miss Sags-A-Lot thankfully has her necklace back on, and is feeling pretty miserable that everything she has done and stood for in the name of the Lord of Light was a lie. Davos finally asks what we've all been thinking for the past year...if there's any magic that can bring us Jon Snow back. After a good talking to (seriously, Davos could be a life coach if he survives the winter), we see the Red Priestess washing Jon's bare and bloody chest. Lucky bitch. She washes his hair (lucky bitch), gives him a hair cut (lucky bitch) and trims his beard as well (lucky bitch). Throws the hair in the fire, waves her hands around, says some gibberish for a while - but alas, it doesn't work. One by one, they all walk out of the room disappointed. Pretty sure all of us playing at home knew what was in store...that being, the last scene of Episode 2 was Jon Snow, gasping for air, resurrected back to life. Oooh, I'm excited to see what this death/resurrection has done for Jon Snow.