Stannis becomes contender for worst father of the year, Dany rides again and Jon Snow continues to b

I finally got to watch Game of Thrones today, after missing it on Sunday night, on account of an epic Vegas adventure (which you can read about HERE). Not that it mattered much that I didn't get to watch it on Sunday. Within 2 hours of it screening, my newsfeed was clogged with articles from Buzzfeed, Time, NY Times and multiple others shared by friends - all with a cover photo of poor young Shireen (or ol' stone face, as I liked to call her). Without even clicking on any of these articles, I pretty much knew it wasn't going to end well for the only daughter of Stannis Baratheon....who, by the way...I had only just grew to like this season, after 4 seasons of declaring him 'A bit of a mean old bore'. I have a feeling I will be back to hating him by episodes end.

So we open this week on Stannis's camp...as I expected due to the thousand spoiler articles who declared "Warning - spoilers ahead' - but insisted on using spoiler headlines and images anyway. Like, what's even the point? Anyway....the red witch's spidey sense is tingling, and as she steps outside, the camp errupts in fire. Funny, for someone who see's things in the flames and worships the lord of light, you would *think* she could have seen their camp being torched coming. There's some dudes writhing in agony after being set alight and a fiery horse gallops across the screen, and I'm suddenly reminded of the fight scene in Anchorman, where Brick kills a guy with a trident. I kind of imagine after the fire died down that Stannis was all like "Well that escalated quickly". Davos reminds Stannis that they're kind of screwed, to which Stannis - ever the face of stubborness, declares that they will not march back to Castle Black. I'd be willing to bet by the old Gods and the new, that Stannis's star sign is Scorpio. My sister is a Scorpio....and you'd be hard pressed to find someone as stubborn. But I like to think faced with starvation and death, she'd probably change her mind in this instance. Stannis and Davos share a creepy look with Red Witch and Stannis's cold fish, dead inside wife, and we linger on Davos who throws some serious shade as they walk away. Back in the North, Lord Commander (of our hearts and lady parts) Jon Snow marches the wildlings he managed to save from being simultaneously slaughtered and then bought back to life as ice zombies through the gates of the wall. Which reminds me....if these zombie things can't even swim....why didn't they just make a big moat to separate the Kingdom from the Great White North? It seems like it probably would have been much easier than a giant wall made of ice. Jon Snow is being pretty down on himself because he wasn't able to save all the wildlings, but Sam Tarley puts it all in perspective by showing him all the people he didn't fail. Deep down you know Sam is just trying to make Jon feel better so Jon will ask "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" and Sam can finally tell his bro that Jilly gave him a sympathy bang after he almost got killed protecting her (least she could do, right?). Instead, Jon keeps sulking as his nightswatch brothers don't look overly happy at the prospect of having a bunch of wildlings sharing their castle. They may as well be holding "Stop the Boats" signs and wearing "Fuck off, we're full" T-Shirts for how welcoming they're being. Back at Camp Stannis, Davos is ordered to travel back to Castle Black to demand more men and food. Although Davos is a few stumps short of a full hand, he wasn't born yesterday and has the distinct feeling he is being sent away so something bad can go down. Something he might try to stop. And since he insists on trying to take Princess Shireen back with him, I'm pretty sure he knows what Stannis is planning. After his appeals land on Stannis's deaf stubborn ears, Davos visits Shireen, where they share a touching moment. In the world of Game of Thrones - a touching and heartwarming moment is ordinarily followed by the rug being pulled out from under you and then your heart ripped from your chest while you're on your back. Soooo.....this really doesn't bode well for our sweet stone faced princess. In Dorne, my former work colleage, Bedggy...I mean, Jamie Lannister....is taking court with the Dorne King, Oberyn's widow and his daughter, ahem...I mean niece and her boyfriend, where they toast King Tomnen. Much to the ire of Oberyn's widow, who pours her wine on the floor (meanwhile, in Kings Landing...Cercei just cried a little harder). It's decided that Myrcella, Tristain and Jamie will return to Kings Landing....again, much to Oberyn's widows disgust....can somebody just bitch slap her already? And Bronn gets to come with them too! This all seems too easy, which means somebody is probably going to die next episode. In Bravos, some seedy guys proposition Ayra for her little clam....which was kind of a joke just itching to be said. Instead of serving up some oysters to the gambling man, she spies on Lord Tyrell and his men...one of which has spotted her, and I'm not really sure if we're supposed to know who this guy is and if there is some sort of background here? By the way - how fierce are Ayra's eyebrows looking? Said man who spotted Ayra visits a brothel, where Ayra follows, and where we also learn he is in fact...a bit of a creeper paedophile. So perhaps he just liked the fact that Ayra is young and pretty? I'm a little confused. In fact, I'm completely confused by Ayra's storyline in general these days. Back in Dorne, the King tells Oberyn's widow to cut out her bitchin' or die. Despite her severe attitude problem, she's not stupid, so she kneels before the wheelchair in tears and swears her loyalty. The King tells her he doesn't believe in third chances, and I'm left with the hope that she decides to put that theory to the test. We head back to Camp Stannis, where Stannis joins his daughter, who asks "Father, aren't you cold?" - the answer is of course, no....because he has a HEART OF ICE and is devoid of any feeling, except his insane hunger for power. Stannis tries to explain away his choices, by essentially washing his hands clean of any choice at all in the matter. That he is simply becoming what he was meant to become....uh-huh, keep telling yourself that Bro-atheon. Shireen, seeing her father in turmoil for his apparent 'lack of choices' digs herself a hole by exclaiming that she wants to help her father, in whatever way she can. Little does the little Princess know that she is offering herself up, on a silver platter with an apple in her mouth. They hug, and for a brief second I think maybe Stannis won't do it, but instead, he closes his eyes and mutters 'Forgive me'. Shireen is marched outside in the snow through a crowd of soldiers, and at the end of the crowd stands a pyre and Melisandre, the Red Witch herself....at which point all us viewers at home are screaming "Run Shireen, Ruuuuuunnnnn!!!". Instead of making for the hills, Shireen wants to see her father. The very father that gave the order for her to die (by fire, no less). Can we also just touch on the point that they managed to get some voodoo from using leeches on Robert's bastard last time....so I don't really see why we couldn't just you know, give that a try again and see how it goes? Or did they cover that in a previous episode? I forget. Anywho, while Shireen is tied to the pyre, screaming for her father - Stannis and his just as cold hearted wife appear in time to watch their only child burn. Worst. Parents. Ever. But wait, the cold hearted wife breaks and can't go through with killing the daughter I always thought she despised. She rushes forward as the flames lick at her daughters feet - but instead of continuing to struggle and fight to get through to her daughter, she crumbles to the ground weakly. Weak, as she has always been. As Shireens piercing screams eventually cut off, we see the Red Witch smiling through the flames at her handy work...and I literally want to climb into the TV and punch her right in those boobs she likes so much to get out every second episode. In Meereen, the fighting pits have been reopened and Daenerys looks super thrilled to be there. Kind of like how the Queen of England looks when she's at the Opening of the Commonwealth Games. While the physical fighting begins below there's some serious testosterone fuelled fighting on the stands between Dany's lover and her new King. The highlight is most definitely seeing Tyrion on the stands, offering up his unique brand of wit. The day they decide to kill off Tyrion, I swear, will be the day I stop watching this show. Ser Jorah makes his appearance in the pit, much to Dany's distress. And we see, what lengths a man will go to, to merely get back into the friend zone. It doesn't look good for soon-to-be rockman Jorah, and Tyrion begs her to end the fight. But Jorah will do it himself, as he bests the last man standing with a rolly polly and sword to the chest. All I can think of though, when he's exchanging victorious hungry eyes with Dany is "FINISH THAT GUY WITH THE SWORD IN HIM OFF COMPLETELY" - we all know how this type of bragging ended for Oberyn. But Dany doesn't look super thrilled by Jorah's victory, and we see a flicker in his eyes a moment before he grabs the mans pole, and in a throw that would certainly earn him a gold medal in Javellin, throws the pole their way, and spits a guy with a gold horned mask who was stealthily sneaking up behind the Queen. In an instant, the entire mood changes and the creepy hissing chant we encountered when poor old man Barristan was slaughtered is back, with masked men appearing all over the stadium, where they start slitting throats. I kind of feel like security should have seen this one coming. Jorah kills another bad dude, and in a touching moment, offers his hand to Dany, who takes it and he escorts her off her viewing platform, and hopefully to safety. Tyrion gets a kill in, saving Dany's pretty handmaiden, Missandei. I love when Tyrion gets his badass on! Down below, we're finding there is no escape for the Queen, and a flood of bad gold masked dudes rushes in to the stadium. With only a small contingent of unsullied to protect them, it looks like the end of the road for Danarys and her entourage. Which, would definitely keep up with the shows reputation for breaking hearts the world over. But as it happens, they spare us more heartwrenching moments this episode, as Drogan comes to the rescue, torching people left right and center. As Drogan gets javelinned a few times, Dany goes to his aid, and there's an awkward moment where we think maybe Drogan has forgotten who is mother is, but alas, he remembers. Then, in a moment I'd not realised I was actually waiting for....Daenerys climbs aboard Drogan and they soar into the sky (and safety) together. Tyrion, Jorah and the gang look on in awe....well, its either awe, or complete shock that this bitch just left them there to fend for themselves. Either way....they seem lost for words, as do we all at home. Where will next week's season finale take us? Will Jon Snow be able to keep the peace between his black brothers and their new house guests? Will Dany decide to just burn Meereen to the ground? What witty exchanges will we see between Jamie and Bronn? Will Sansa ever find a nice boy to be betrothed to? And what of her brother Bran and Rikon? Will they finally give them a plot line that doesn't have us all reaching for the fast forward button??

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